New Year’s Eve has a way of cleaning the slate of regret, misfortune, and mental anguish. It’s a pickup point for life’s garbage trucks to collect all the trash you’ve gathered in the last 365 days. The blow up pool in the living room of your first downtown apartment where you plan to deliver your new self in a home birth. Beautiful, isn’t it? The thought of change and progress happening at the exact same time as everyone else’s change and progress so nobody can judge you for making exuberant life choices.
The romantic evolution of calendars ending to maintain capitalist order gets me hot, no denying that. Thankfully, a few years, a couple milestones, and lots of crippling regret has taught me a few important things that only feel appropriate to share as everyone searches for life’s new meaning in 2018.
- Everybody you meet will bring something to the table. You, by no means, are entitled to any of it. Get your own damn shit…or reimburse me for mine.
- Stop thinking that you are better than other people for caring about different things. So you’re a grown ass ogre who listens to Cats the Musical on repeat, well I’m an overly self-deprecating feminist who only listens to male country singers. We are not better than the other for liking different things. Being selective doesn’t equate to having good taste, ogre.
- Don’t trust anything you see on Craig’s List. I don’t care if the universe gives you divine hope when Martha Stewart marries Snoop or when Trump has a sex change and a pigment disorder forcing him to live the rest of his life as a coloured woman. Under no circumstances should you put your faith into craigslist. (Might be a personal bias, can’t tell.)
- Give your racist grandma some edibles. Teach Pam how to love again.
- Separate work and pleasure. Your life will stabilize if the people you party (ride and grind) with are not the same people you work with. Your friend circle should be larger than your nine to five (inches).
- Try being wrong about something. Leave that inflated superiority complex in the early 2000’s with low rise jeans, Chris Brown, and quinoa.
- Stop shit talking the person you call your best friend. Yup, that’s right Sally, buckle the fuck down and say something nice for once in your life.
- Waste your life watching movies. That’s what they were made for – to keep the proletariat from rising without having to physically restrain them. They are also great excuses to sneak into the romantic ‘chill zone.’
- Try making porn as your independent film project in religious studies. Sex sells.
- Stop taking everything so seriously. Your life is a joke, laugh it off.
With New Year’s Eve only a hot minute away, I want to wish you all a speedy recovery from the crippling disappointment and alcohol poisoning. May you kiss someone who didn’t throw up moments before in the 7-Eleven parking lot. Glad tidings and mer for baby’s that will grace our ever declining global garden in a wee nine months. Finally, bless all the souls who are waiting for their ‘new me’ packages to arrive via UPS.
May the good fortune be abundant and the misery be hid under uncomfortable humour and Kat Von D.
Happy New Years!